Home&Wondering

Having a travel blog was fun, and I'm lucky to have had those experiences, but there is something to say about home.
It has been a long few weeks here with me, and I realize I'm doing a terrible job of maintaining this blog, but mostly I am happy, and that's an important thing for me.

Tonight I just want to ruminate on love a bit more, because honestly... it's on my mind a lot.

I am trying to stay positive, honestly. And I am happy, really. Every day I am happy for at least a minute and usually more.  It is not hard to keep smiling and to put a smile on my face--a real one where my eyes squint and wrinkles appear.

But I do have to acknowledge how much time I spend thinking about love. And whether or not I was ever really in it. And whether or not I'll find it again.

I want to be in love again. Or for the first time maybe.  I do. but I also question if I know how to give myself to a person. I wonder if companionship is really the end-all-be-all. Is that all that I'm looking for?  And what is it about the idea of being "in love"that offers me more than I feel like my friendships can? Or what is it that I am missing from myself that I feel like I need to seek from someone else? Is it sex? Is it physical&mental intimacy?

I miss holding hands.
And I miss kissing.
And I miss being able to lean over in the store and put my head on someone's shoulder if I'm getting sleepy or just want to feel that connection of my warm body to theirs. And then they would put their hand on the back of my neck
and I would feel safe.
I miss waking up next to somebody, and I miss falling asleep with my feet tangled between their shins.
And I miss smiling at someone and having them now exactly what that smile means.
I miss talking on the phone
and I miss saying I love you when I meant it at least sometimes. When the fullness of those words came from the fullness inside my soul.

But, again, do all those things add up to love?
And, if they do, do they add up to a love that is greater than the feeling I have of being able to live for myself? And learning to love myself?
Of being able to enjoy my rituals of drinking tea
or journaling
or writing poetry
or going to yoga
or sleeping in
and not having to worry about the time those things take and how the cut into my time with someone else.
I like being alone
and being able to decorate my room and my space without concerning myself with the tastes of someone else and whether they appreciate nudes as much as I do.
I like being able to eat refried beans cold straight out of the can
and not do laundry for weeks
and not shave my legs or shower
if I don't want to.
I like being able to enjoy a bar of chocolate or a chocolate cake and not worry about being judged or where those calories are going to sit when I am undressed&naked, sweaty and rolling my hips in intimacy&ecstasy.

I like so many things about being alone,
but I wonder if those things add up to outweigh the weight of being in love.
What is it to be in love?